Ceebz.

Pointless vent time.

One of my greatest insecurities is not belonging. I hate when people don’t include me in things or don’t treat me like how they treat everybody else. I don’t get it. But then again, it’s partly my fault because if I don’t try either, I can’t expect anything from anyway.

Example. I always say how I’m pumped up for the next inc district activities, but I never end up going. But then again, part of the reason is because I think I don’t belong with certain people. That they don’t want me there.

lol oh well.

Changing the topic, worked 32hrs this week, time to buy myself an x-box or wii $$$$

“Everything is just so much harder than you think it is”

This whole time I’ve been misunderstood because people just can’t seem to see how much I’m going through. But now that I think of it, I haven’t even got it bad. I’m only bringing everything upon myself. I’m making everything five times harder and complicated then what they really are. And instead resolving the problem, I make it worse.

I need to change my mindset. I need to start living with positive thoughts and looking for the good in situations instead of the bad.

I need to change the way I think.

Why can’t I face reality?

It’s these particular moments where I feel as if I’m wanting for too much. That all the dreams I want to achieve are too unrealistic. That maybe I should aim for something lower, something simple and easy. Something that’s already been done. I guess it’s just a bad habit of mine, wanting the best. Because if I’m going to do something I might as well do it to the best of my ability. But there’s the question, what is my maximum potential?

Now or never

I’m going to try once more. And if final attempt oh happiness fails, well I guess that’s the end of everything. I’m going to bring myself up for the last time, but after this I don’t want to suffer anymore. And I don’t want anyone else to suffer either.

Perfect

I’m striving too hard for perfection that I’m beating myself up each time something doesn’t go according to plan. I need to accept the flaws that I have and instead of looking at them from a negative point of view, turn them into something positive. Learn to accept what God has given me and most importantly learn to love myself, personality and appearance wise.

I know you’re trying to help but don’t. I’ve tried seeking help from you a million times, and those million times I always get my expectations up that you are actually going to help me this time, but everything always ends in disappointment. 

You’re asking me why this is happening, why I’m doing what I’m doing. If I told you, you just wouldn’t understand. You never do. What angers me even more is that you want to take away the one of the last things I have, a place where I’m actually wanted and needed. So don’t threaten me, it only shows how misunderstanding and controlling you really are. Oh and stop shouting at me, I hate people shouting at me, bloody going to kill myself because of you two.

What happened?

I used to be the strong one in friendships. I used to give people advice and help whenever they needed it (not to sound conceited of course). I was confident in everything I said, I loved helping people with their problems. The feeling of making someone smile, completely amazing. But now that I have so many of my own problems I just can’t handle with anyone else’s. It sounds selfish but it’s the truth. 

I can never have a perfect day, can I? Something always has to go wrong. Half of the time I don’t even know the exact reason why I’m feeling like this, feeling so crap. Then what annoys me even more is when my parents try asking me what’s wrong and the only reply I can say is I don’t know. Then after that they just go telling me off about what I’m going to do with my life, what they’re going to do with me. Maybe half the – if not the whole – reason why I’m feeling crap is because I’m at home. You and I don’t know what’s happening at the moment, so don’t go around making assumptions and jumping to crazy conclusions. Stop telling me that I’m doing everything wrong, don’t you think I bloody know that already? Thanks caption obvious. I already know both of you are disappointed in me because I am too. And another thing which ticks me off the most. Stop bringing my brother into this, I don’t want to hear anything about him. But seriously, if you aren’t going to help just don’t bother with me at all. It may not seem like it to you but you’re just making everything a whole lot worse for me. 

Leave me alone

I just love the way you indirectly bitch and rant on about me right in front of my face. Do you think I’m stupid or something? I know what you’re doing. You’re just trying to guilt trip me, you don’t want to be the bad person in the situation, instead you’re trying to make me the bad one. Make me feel guilty for what I’m doing, at least more than I already am.

Well look. I’m already having trouble with everything as is so I definitely don’t need someone to give me more crap on top of that.

What am I doing…

I’m sorry. I’m so disrespectful, I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me now. It’s just that you don’t understand why I’m doing the things I do, why I’m acting this way. Because frankly, I don’t quite understand either. So sorry for I’ve becoming yet another burden in both of your lives.

Anxiety

I’m tired of being anxious 80% of the time, it’s ridiculous. I’m always worried and nervous about everything around me. Mainly when I’m not comfortable with my surroundings, in other words I don’t know/aren’t close with many people around me. I’ll stutter a lot, reply with short answers, have trouble making conversation and just act plain weird.

Looks like I’ll have to start again

This always happens. I’ll be going good for a week or two if I’m lucky, but then I’ll have a sudden breakdown. It happens as soon as I get my hopes up that everything’s going to be okay, then something will happen to make me feel like crap all over again.

Oh bloody hell just wreck my whole mood. Why the hell are you getting angry at me for? It’s always me that has to give something up isn’t it…then when I say no you play the guilt card on me. Are you bloody serious?

You know, you do have your other child to bother as well. But no, instead you just give me all the responsibility and work. Fair enough if we both contributed, but this is just bloody ridiculous. 

I can never have a perfect day.

Thank God for church

Literally.

I was in such a crap mood that I really didn’t want to go to church tonight, let alone act. But I’m so glad I did. Going to church always gives me just enough hope to keep going, I really don’t know what I’d do without it. Imaging what life would be like without God, I probably wouldn’t even have a life. 

But once again thank you so much for being such a big part of my life. Thank you for being one of the few that haven’t given up on me and forgiving me for all the mistakes and sins that I’ve made over the years, and continue to make. Thank you for giving me hope and a reason to to move forward.

Thank you.