Happy Memories

Knowing that I chose to visit you on one of your last days here with us reassures me so much. I’m still in disbelief of everything that’s happened but I’m so happy that I was there to witness your laughs and the beautiful smile. My number one memory is of you saying ‘shetup’ and swearing with a filipino accent, inappropriate, but hilarious. Looking through your photos not only makes me cry now that you’re gone, but makes me smile and even laugh as I reminisce about your time here with us.

Will always be thinking about you Mame =) 

lol f0k it. I hate your freaking attitude. I know I should be used to it now but I’m not. No matter how good my day has been, you always find a way on destroying my mood. I don’t know if it’s on purpose or it’s by accident but I’m so over it. But a few more weeks and you’ll be gone, hopefully I can put up with it for just a bit longer.

OCD

I’ve developed an obsessive compulsive disorder towards perfection. If I cannot achieve perfection, I’ll just give up. Second place isn’t good enough for me. It’s either first or not even going to bother. Each tiny mistake brings me back to the bottom in my ‘journey to happiness’. I need to learn how to accept my flaws, mistakes and wrongs, but how?

I haven’t opened up to anyone in a while

I remember before I would come to people for almost all my problems no matter how small or insignificant they were. And it wasn’t usually just one person, it was a couple of my closest friends. 

It kind of makes me wonder, was I attention seeking? I was definitely seeking for advice and comfort, but was I also being put out as an attention seeker? Is the only reason I went to people for my troubles because I wanted their pity?

Note: This is probably just me over analysing the situation again…

Something that I’ve hated all my life is the fact that I actually care what people think and how people see me. I do care how they judge me. I may not seem like it, but oh, I do. For example, if I were to go up to somebody and try open up to them by telling them things about my past and what not, I’ll jump to the conclusion that they think I’m just attention seeking. That I’m not actually in need of comforting, I’m just you’re average adolescent trying to get your attention. (Sorry, by average a mean a good one third of the adolescent population that do the stupidest things to be talked about)

Like all of my other posts, I really don’t know how to end this…I have so much more things on my mind but since I’m getting a tad teary and emotional right now I think I’ll just sleep on it.

But hey. I’m 16, I’m not 20. In about 5 years time, all this won’t matter to me…at least I hope it won’t.

In a ranting mood right now

Let’s dot pot this shi*

• Aggots that care about their followers on Tumblr. Like, are you forreal, you think you’re cool or something because people follow you on Tumblr? lol you’re a stupid unt. And to add onto that, it’s not like your blog is original, it’s just re-blogs of other things so shut up.
• People that joke about people dieing…as in going to far to the point where people don’t know if it’s real or not. I can’t even…

Oh, I think that’s all. Tbh I thought there was more on my mind but yep, mainly just those two.

On the brighter side I guess, it’s the holidays which means I can hopefully catch up on everything, yaya :)

Update 15MAR12

My mind seems so cluttered and confused right now. I feel as if time is so precious, that I should really plan my day out so that no time is wasted. But when I don’t stick to this ‘timetable’ of mine, I just give up and don’t do anything. That’s probably what’s happening now.

I really don’t know what I should be doing right now. Am I suppose to be sleeping, doing homework or maybe organising for school tomorrow. I’m overanalysing the situation, past presence and the future. I want to be doing so much things in so little time, I don’t know how to put my priorities straight.

For example. I want to accelerate academically at school but at the same time I want to dedicate a good part of my time to art - as I’ve been furthermore inspired by all types artworks. I also want to get back into sport but at the same time want to have lazy days where all I do is eat and watch movies. You get where I’m coming from.

What’s next on my mind? Now I’m currently thinking about and imaging the few people that will actually read this - or at least even get up to this point - and how they’ll be staring mind boggled because this post does not make any sense whatsoever. Well if so, mission accomplished.

PTL

This happens every time Holy Supper, anniversary or year end thanksgiving happens, a sudden abundance of happiness and energy is found within myself.

It brings me so much joy to know that I’m part of something so solemn and so unique that one can never find in anywhere else.

Especially now, I’ve become even more active in the church and despite the countless amounts of hours I have to sacrifice for my duties, it’s all worth it.

This, by all means, is the only reason I wake up each morning, so once again, thank you!

Living is overrated

Ha jokes.

No but seriously, ceebs with everything. I have so much homework due tomorrow and I’m already so behind yet I’m sitting here eating a whole lot of comfort food watching movies. etc. etc.

0% motivation for going to school

100% motivation for studying…wait what?

Currently getting ready to head for the library because I woke up late - and now ceebs - going to school.

w0t is wrong with me.

17 Jan 2012

Went to the Harry Potter Exhibition (finally) at the Powerhouse Museum with Sabrina and John. Which was sooooooo coooooool. And I also bought a Hufflepuff shirt, in memory of Edward Cullen, ha. Afterwards going to Blacktown for a bit and browsing around the game stores with John then finally heading home for church.

Church was also lovely, the lesson was long but I really liked it. It was about a couple of things. Mainly about ‘being Christian’. How we should act like it not only when we attend the services, but outside of church as well. How even though we’ll be persecuted by others of this world, even our ‘friends’ for that matter, we should always abide by God’s teachings and not stray from the church.

I love it when lessons relate so much to what’s happening in my life right now. If only I could stay at church forever.

For once in my life I actually want to commit to something and stick to it.

I’m going to create myself a goal and actually complete it. 

lol I give into peer pressure easily

Depends how my self-esteem is. If it’s that low I’ll do my best to become/do the norm.

Thinking too hard

I tend to over analyse everything which concludes to an endless chain of events and possibilities.

…

Which kinda sucks.

I hate my imagination

Because I tend to visualise the impossible. Realistic, yet impossible. 

I create countless amounts of situations in my head and pick out every single detail. Who will be there, what will I be wearing, what will I look like, what the atmosphere will be, how old will I be (when will this be happening), what will I say, where it is exactly…etc.

Now weather I won’t those situations to become a reality or not is a different question. Because I do but I don’t. I’m sadly one of those people that plan and dream rather than actually do. 

I don’t know what I want right now.